He Proposed and I Had a Panic Attack

It’s another late night and I’m finding it harder and harder to get sleep as the days drag on. Summer Insomnia is really getting to me. I’ll start with a few things that are on my mind for a moment, and I’m going to try my best to avoid all tangents. I have three big topics: Television, Fear of Commitment, and Back to School.


First, can I say that I didn’t think I would be into the Power series, but after being forced to watch it while I was getting my hair done, I must admit that it’s a pretty good show. See, I’m not a bandwagon-watcher. You know, the people just picking up these random shows because they’re popular for the moment, so they have something to talk about. Like Empire. Oh my goodness, I dislike Empire.


There is a such thing as too much drama.

When season one aired, I sat down with my family and watched the first episode, I thought it was ok. I watched a few more shows sporadically as the seasons progressed and it’s little to be desired. In the Empire vs. Power debate, I’m going to have to give it to Power. The show is live and the drama doesn’t seem forced. But people were like seriously into these shows at one point in time, and me, well, I was watching Grimm. Not a big fan pool there. Also, I’m proud to say that I watch absolutely zero reality tv shows. None.

Anyways, I’ve been in a little bit of a funk lately. Really settling into my couch for hours of television. Which is just so strange. I want to blame my brother in-law for allowing me to leech off of his Netflix account. These last couple of weeks I have been televisioned-out. It’s like some strange trance and I feel the rot take over my brain. But I still sit there blankly staring. Being programed.

By the way, the new season of Game of Thrones airs in two days and it legitimately the only show that I’m super involved in. I have house Stark banners hanging in my house and a all of the Stark merch. I canceled every plan on that Sunday and I’m think about having a watch party.

The North Remembers.

Fear of Commitment

My sister has been really on me about dating lately. What’s even more interesting is that my psychiatrist told me I should seriously consider dating months ago. She said, and I quote: “Dating would be good for you.” When I asked her why, she told me in so many words that I’ve allowed myself to become self-consumed. I overthink. But, I also have “commitment issues” whatever that’s supposed to mean.

Okay, I know what it means, but I just hate admitting it.  images.jpeg

I have to be honest, sometimes I actually would really like a healthy relationship and other days I feel like I have a good thing going here. I’m at that in-between stage in life where it’s like, “Where do you see yourself in 10 years?” and I start having a little anxiety because I see myself alone, but I also see myself having attained the goals I’ve set out to reach and I’m filled with glee because I actually did it on my own.

Somehow, I’ve always thought fear of commitment was a male trait. I’m serious. Until I got a proposal and had a panic attack. Full on, heavy breathing, gripping my chest, is it hot in here or is it just me, soul crushing, panic attack. I did say yes though, but I feel as though I was under duress, because that engagement lasted all of two weeks. That was six year ago and I haven’t been on a date since.

Let’s blame it on my idea of marriage being this forever thing, or, one of us has to die to break this contract. Like: “The only way out is in a box,” type thing. No matter what happens, you’re just stuck to this person. Sure ya’ll have good times, there’s no one you’d rather spend your time with, but then, what if someday there is? There is another person who’s more interesting. Or the person you settled for just turns out not to be the person you thought they were once all of the infatuation runs dry?

I’ve heard it all: “Well, don’t think about marriage, just get to know someone new.” Look, if you’re not dating with marriage in mind, and you’re just out here dating just for the sake of it, you’re the problem.

I really hate the hook-up culture. But that’s another topic entirely.

Back to School

Is it time already? My timeline is littered with my teacher friends getting their stuff ready for the new year while I’m at home curled up in my blankets rotating my streaming services. Unknown.jpeg

In case you’re curious, it’s Netflix, Prime Video and DirectTV online. The Triple threat. No, I don’t get down with Hulu. I have a good thing going.

I’ve put off so much already and I have no idea what I want my classroom to look like this year. Which theme I’m going with. I guess I’m just not the overzealous teacher I was two years ago.


One comment

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