It’s now five o’clock in the morning and I’m having just a teensy bit of trouble finding sleep. It runs from me. And the more time I have to sit and think, the more dangerous it becomes. So, I’ve decided to channel this energy in hopes that rest will find me soon.
So, I’ll start from the top:
Every now and again my mother becomes human long enough to sympathize with me. To actually understand what I’m going through. Yesterday we had a discussion which concluded that all of my eggs were in one basket and it’s finally time I do something about it.
Honestly, it’s a lot easier said than done. When you feel as though you’ve invested so much, you never want to give up until you see results! Favorable results at that. And that’s where I’m stuck at: taking some of those eggs out and distributing them into other baskets. Maybe hold them all to myself for awhile.
It wasn’t only the conversation I had with my mom that gor the wheel turning, but the movie that I feel as though I tortured myself by watching, not because it’s a bad movie, but because it reminded me of that darn basket. Several times I teared while watching this movie and as I hear the title/menu screen looping in the background, I want to play it again.
What movie is it, you ask? 13 Going On 30. The romantic comedy starring Jennifer Garner and Mark Ruffalo. If you’ve never seen it and find yourself into sappy romance movies, you’ll like it.
Anyways, the movie is about a thirteen year old girl who wishes to be “Thirty, Flirty and Thriving” then, with the help of a little wishing dust, it all comes true. Now, this isn’t a movie review so I’m skipping along… At the end of the day, she falls in love with her best guy friend but didn’t realize it until it’s his wedding day but he chooses the other girl, yada, yada yada.
I’m stopping there.
There is a reason I don’t like watching these kinds of movies: they always make me look down on my life of loneliness. I always feel so darn empty. Like I’m missing the romantic adventure of a lifetime that’s out there happening for other people and I’m sitting here with my fingers on the play button.
But that’s the way those things are designed, right? To show you something that gets your appetite wet so that for the two hours you’re watching it, you almost forget how desperately lonely you are? Or how incredibly sad real life has become for you?
Well, it’s the story of my life, anyways. I can’t help but feel like something’s missing. That single piece in the 1,000,000 piece jigsaw puzzle of life. I’ve abandoned a lot to find that solo piece and I don’t know if I ever will.
What does all of this have to do with eggs and baskets? Fine, to the point.
The problem I have is that I feel either all at once or nothing at all. I am an extremists, I know. It only really becomes a problem when the feelings aren’t reciprocated, then it makes me shut down. I’ll wallow for a moment then eventually I’m back on my feet. This time around it hasn’t really been so easy. I’ve allowed myself to become fixed on this thing that every attempt at snatching my eggs always end in failure.
I don’t know how to get my power back. How to put something back on the shelf that’s not meant for me. I honestly feel as though it’s being dangled in front of my face on a clear string only to be yanked up higher when I reach up for it.
It’s been the source of my unhappiness. Which sucks because so many great and joyous things have been happening.
But everything means nothing when you have no one to share it with…
*sighs and hits play* One more time for lonely girl.